Reason 14 – they can be really charming!

Reason 14 was a friend of a friend and was well and truly a ladies man. He was suave, sophisticated and extremely good-looking and every time I saw him he had a new piece on his arm, usually of the blonde, voluptuous, plastic variety, but hey, who was jealous? It was only when I made some enquiries to our mutual friend about Reason 14 that I was warned to stay well clear. I was given a few examples of his extremely bad behaviour:

Apparently, after a new secretary has started at the law firm at which Reason 14 worked, he made a bet with a colleague that he would get her into bed within the month. The colleague shook on this, saying that he would attempt this also, and so, the poor girl was pursued. Both men, in their early thirties, began with casual chats and knowing smiles, followed by invitations to lunches or coffees. Evidently, the girl seemed to be quite taken with both men and they both mutually decided to up the ante, by asking her out for drinks with both of them one Friday night. The girl agreed as long as she could bring a friend along. Both men figured that this made a fair, even number and secretly, both realised that perhaps the loser of the bet might have his loss lessened if the friend was anywhere near as attractive as this young secretary.

The Friday night arrived and Reason 14, his friend and the secretary all made their way to a nearby bar where they were meeting the other girl, and when they arrived, both men were pleasantly surprised. The newcomer to the group was not only attractive, but she was blonde, voluptuous and well… plastic. It only took one beer for Reason 14 to take his friend aside and instruct him to “go for gold” with the secretary, as he was more than happy to take second prize if it meant that second prize was the airhead with the great breasts. The deal was done.

As the evening progressed, it appears that Reason 14 stopped drinking, citing that he had to drive home, but proceeded to assist the two girls in getting rather inebriated on champagne. No surprises that by the end of the night, the friend was eating out of his hand, giggling and flirting as she did so. Reason 14 made his move and offered her a lift home. It was accepted and they were on their way. [Incidentally, for the curious, the secretary and the colleague went home separately, so neither party won the bet.]

On the way home, Reason 14 stopped at a park and turned off his car’s engine. One thing led to another, and he and the girl ended up having sex in the front seat of the car. Romance was not Reason 14’s strong point. She was drunk and apparently “up for it” and he was sober and determined to get some – it seemed the perfect arrangement. After the act though, the girl decided that she needed to get herself cleaned up, so asked for a few minutes outside of the car to be able to straighten herself out. Reason 14 said “Sure”, rested back in his car seat, and she got out of the car. Seconds after the car door closed behind her however, Reason 14 had the engine started and drove away, not before tossing her hand-bag out of the passenger side window and leaving the poor girl stranded at some ungodly hour of the night.

What a charmer!

Reason 13 – they get in first

My friend had convinced me to get into that good old medium of modern day meeting – a dating website. It took her about a year to convince me it was worth trying and after yet another night out on the turps with nothing to show for it but a raging hangover, I decided I would give it a go. I got my profile organised and wrote (what I thought was) some humourous prose around my interests, hopes, aspirations and favourite pastimes (kind of along the lines of, “what’s your favourite colour? blue”, etc, etc).

I let the messages come in and to be honest, the standard of incomings wasn’t so high. Not that I am particularly fussy, but the trannies, the men with an inkling for bondage, S&M, and auto-erotic stimulation, and the men who would scare small children got a wee bit tiresome. Nonetheless, I persisted.

And finally, like a ray of sunshine through the stormy clouds, Mr 13 appeared. He was gorgeous. And witty. And my age. And he had a job. And he seemed so.. so normal. Mr 13 and I emailed back and forth a few times. I would actually look forward to getting home to check my emails (dating sites not being allowed at my conservative financial company!) to find something from him.

Finally it came time to meet and we arranged to catch up over lunch one day. I was so excited. When 13 walked towards me, I saw that he carried a little more weight than his photos. But that was ok. He was still a very nice looking man. We greeted a little awkwardly and he sat down. And the tooth-pulling, paint-drying began. The hour dragged as if it were ten hours and the conversation was more stunted than a smoking mother’s foetus. I couldn’t wait to get away. Luckily, being a working day, I had the excuse of a VERY important meeting I needed to rush back for.

I made my polite goodbyes, thanked Mr 13 for taking the time to meet me, and left. The door of the cafe had not even closed behind me when my phone told me I had a SMS. I took it out and read: ” I don’t want to pursue anything further. Don’t call me again.”

What? WHAT?!?!?!? How dare he?! He of THE most boring personality I have EVER had the misfortune to come across doesn’t want to see fabulous, amazing ME? Grrrr!!

Reason 12 – sometimes they just don’t get it

So I was dating a boy. A lovely, lovely boy. Who was witty, funny, charming, rich, yadda, yadda, yadda. We went out for a good few months and I did really like him. But there was something missing. Something wasn’t there. And, I think it was the extra eight cenitmetres he could have had at the end of his penis. Now, I know size doesn’t matter, and it’s not the size of the tide, it’s the motion of the ocean, and all of that crap that men with small penises and the women who date them sprout often to people who really, really don’t want to know. But for me, a bit of size is good. As is a bit of longevity in the bedroom. Like longer than a few minutes please. Please!!

For a few months, I enjoyed his company and put up with the disaster in the bedroom. It was after talking to a friend who told me that she was surprised I would stay with someone that I wasn’t “totally into”, and she was right, it’s not normally my style. I am normally of the mindset of “why waste time with someone when “the one” could be waiting around the corner”. It had gotten to the point where I almost dreaded the physical intimacy with Reason 12 – because it was just that bad.

So, I had “the chat” and explained that I really, really liked Reason 12 and thought he was a great guy but that I really wasn’t after a relationship. It was my own unique, polite way of saying “it’s not happening for me in the bedroom (like ever!) and your personality isn’t enough to carry this relationship past that.”

Reason 12, being the gentleman that he was, told me he knew I wasn’t after a relationship and thought I might need to get some counselling/therapy or something for my “issues in the bedroom”. He advised me that ”when we started going out, you were fine, but after a while, you just became so frigid. You should really get some help with that.”

Right.. Thanks Reason 12. I took it on the chin and didn’t have the heart to tell him that his problems were probably beyond help, unless he wanted a penis extension and some Viagra.